Ordinary .This is my word for the day.
Thinking about it brings forward an image of the ones we call ‘primitive’ living content and happily in a thick forest carpeting the lands.All seems ordinary and yet, all seems right.
What I mean by ordinary is possibly the idea of living a modest life.A life that is driven by less desires and wants .That is my utopia; my place of ideal perfection.
Everyday I look at myself, I see this unquenchable want for materialistic things.I see myself aiming for goal after goal and as i tick one after the other, I do not feel complete.Instead, I revert back to this cycle all over again.This cycle, that makes me crave for all that I do not have and at the same time overly protective and ,honestly, oh so stupidly proud of the fact that I could achieve a goal that others haven’t or couldn’t.
This cycle seems meaningless , sickening and unescapable and yet, it is profound in the discovery of my being.
Perhaps this is how Capitalism would define its beginnings if it were actually alive.A slow yet deadly beginning to the pursuit of great wants and the decay of the ordinary.
I admit that I contradict a part of myself in this whole post.I am a product of capitalism.I am all for the great discoveries, the great movements, the great everything ! But a part of me longs to be content for once – to be happy in just being and not worrying too much as to how i can achieve this many goals by this many years.
When I think of the ones I once saw to be ‘primitive’,I realised that they were ,in a way, better off than anyone I’ve ever met or seen.Even with the abundance of potential to create and to be ‘higher’ than the rest, the hunters and gatherers just got what they needed from nature and proceeded with life.No unnecessary tension; no unnecessary competition.Just plain living.
As i write about my Utopia, I can help but find it funny as to how this longing itself defeats my need to move away from my wants.In pursuing the ordinary, i create a goal.But i want this to someday day be my only goal.My last goal.
All that is Graceful. All that is pure.
As long and as hard as i think, it seems to me that every person in society is bound by this invisible entity that tugs and pulls us to certain labelled boxes.These boxes in turn seem to bind us into an image of ourselves which we deem to believe is who we are as ‘unique’ human beings.
In the short life that i have lived -looking, questioning and ever pondering, i have had trouble with the idea of who i am . I’ve made my rounds moulding myself to fit into the abstract yet ever present boxes of the “in group” and at one point, i have also given into blending easily with groups that i seem to have “naturally” formed a connection to; and yet again in one point of life i’ve drifted and belonged everywhere and nowhere.Yet, this fixation to fit in to or not to anything really, is my perplexity.
You see, when i describe myself in some form or another, i’m seen under that box of description. That box then enables people to get to know me in a limited format.It may be many boxes but it somehow doesn’t feel like ‘I’ have been fully represented in that line of sight.
Say, we labelled a blogger as being Marxist. This person becomes bound by people -not just followers but readers of his/her work , into this box or boxes of being a Marxist .This somehow distorts and makes this one life so definable and deducible.Is this really a fair evaluation? Are we really allowed to view people in such ways?
The one dimensional understanding of man is not what scares me- Its the fact that we ourselves internalise this as our truth and come to live by it. And whats scarier than living with a partial self that diminishes everything in its path?
I know this limited view applies not just to man but life and i’m afraid that these categorisations – multiple for some yet restrictive in many ways ,may disable us from seeing things in a broader perspective and instead become a restricting mechanism.
But then again arises the question -What would life be but confusing if we didn’t know how to look at any one person?(what with the known and the unknown categories that he or she may represent all at once!)
Perhaps i’m babbling on about nothing ;Perhaps i’m going nowhere with this .But this is ,in written, my perplexity for today.
Dear reader, would you be so kind as to share my perplexity and enter into this never ending discussion with me?
Till then, i shall rest my head to detach a little from this dilemma….
I’m someone who likes a well thought out plan – from something as small as a dinner date to something as big as jotting down a roadmap to my future. And yet, from within all this planning, creeping slowly out of the shadows, was this ever growing element that came into fruition this past year…..
This – today, tomorrow and probably for sometime , is my limbo.
Dictionaries define this as a void; a place of non-existence. I cannot but agree.For now, I belong in the “in between” – No solid real world idea of existing.
Don’t get me wrong.I (being the master planner that i am) have this plan of getting that one dream job and I am focusing on it.But, in between planning my goal and working towards its fruition, time differs with my opinion of seeing this phase as a means to an end. Time, instead, is keen on making me aware of just how long i am existing without a job under which i can define my self worth to the world.
To every gathering i step into, the familiar question “so, are you working?”,arises (it is quite impressive how people have managed to alter this one question in various creative formats!) . I myself am guilty of asking people this same question-perhaps, in order to see how i would seem to others, or to feel a form of kinship with some or simply, just to worm out new answers to keep in mind for future reference.This being said, while i reply to people of how i’m pursuing this dream of mine, inside, a sentence emerges like a scream – I AM IN MY LIMBO!
My mind remembers a little bit too much of what happens right after.People suggesting i get a job “before its too late”, people asking me if i am okay not having a job, people indirectly comparing me to 21 year olds that already have jobs (…mind you, i am just 23!) and the list goes on.Rummaging through all these conversations, i don’t remember any one person being happy for this one moment that may help me understand myself a little bit better.Instead, all i feel is their worry and doubt for me ,engulf me .
In the beginning, this resulted in dominating fear and self doubt.I started wishing i had a job and was actually considering just getting the easier jobs that would come to me.I thought having this would ultimately end all the questions , the suggestions and the comparisons .But as i looked around and heard other conversations, everybody seemed to be in a limbo of their own.The ‘in between’ having a job and marriage, the ‘in between’ newly married and having children, the ‘in between’ having a job and retirement, the ‘in between’ life and death,the ‘in between’ knowing and not knowing and so on.
Seeing this limbo as just an in between and a void i will cross as others have, i don’t quite as much feel this constant fear of being stuck here and being without meaning.Instead, i see the void as having untold meaning. That it holds within it what we may decide for it to give birth to.
This is enough for me to find comfort and confidence in an void that seems to be depicted as empty and meaningless .I am beginning to see the opportunity it presents as an enabler of life .And this doesn’t sound too bad.
My limbo has become my good kind of lost and i welcome it and its many forms in times to come.
As i sit down to write this first entry, the word that established a firm grip on my mind was this,Anti-social.
I had an unplanned brunch with friends i’d tag as close and one reminded me of how secluded i’d become.That i was no longer outgoing and full of energy around people i’d just met- that i had changed.I’d heard this from more than a fair share of people i’d come across, and i wonder….is this really who i am seen as now?The anti-social?
So here i am trying to make sense of this word as it is placed before me-as a partial link to my profile name and as a tag.I’ve long thought about how comforting that word sounds to me more than what it may imply through others and perhaps thats what i’m trying to make sense of in this post.
The word feels safe and close.For me,It doesn’t imply a complete shutoff from everything .Rather, it makes me think of a closed box of all that is important and leaving behind the carcass of the unimportant, the fading.
I see the world as a place of connections but i also see that not all connections last.That some have immediate endings from quick “hi’s” and quite frankly i’m thankful for them. Dragging them around would be cruel to all parties involved and i would much rather just let things slide as they are supposed to rather than make them skid quite painfully to the inevitable.Cruel as it may sound, this is also what i think of when i see the word antisocial.
As you may or may not have noticed, i have moved from writing the word with a hyphen to one without. Many would chose to hyphenate the word but for me personally, i prefer it being this one single component.I suppose this is my way of sorting the dilemma of looking at the hyphenated word as something threatening and wrong.That it may somehow make soft the hard ‘Anti’ that comes before the diminishing social.This whole word then, feels to me as something open to interpretation and i find comfort in that.
For now, this is all in have stuck in my head of this word .There will be so many interpretations to this word and i’m glad that in the future i’ll probably have more to write of this than i do now.
So, for the time being,I put forward to you, in written, a string of (perhaps) unrelated, boring, or simply quite stupid sentences in culmination to a word i just had ringing in my head.
And, for now, i bid adieu …..until i think and brood about other words that might just pop and make me ,nay, force me,to write.