My Limbo

I’m someone who likes a well thought out plan – from something as small as a dinner date to something as big as jotting down a roadmap to my future. And yet, from within all this planning, creeping slowly out of the shadows, was this ever growing element  that came into fruition this past year…..

This – today, tomorrow and probably for sometime , is my limbo.

Dictionaries define this as a void; a place of non-existence. I cannot but agree.For now, I belong in the “in between” – No solid real world idea of existing.

Don’t get me wrong.I (being the master planner that i am) have this plan of getting that one dream job and I am focusing on it.But, in between planning my goal and working towards its fruition, time differs with my opinion of seeing this phase as a means to an end. Time, instead, is keen on making me aware of just how long i am existing without a job under which i can define my self worth to the world.

To every gathering i step into, the familiar question “so, are you working?”,arises  (it is quite impressive how people have managed to alter this one question in various creative formats!) . I myself am guilty of asking people this same question-perhaps, in order to see how i would seem to others, or to feel a form of kinship with some  or simply, just to worm out new answers to keep in mind for future reference.This being said, while i reply to people of how i’m pursuing this dream of mine, inside, a sentence emerges like a scream – I AM IN MY LIMBO!

My mind remembers a little bit too much of what happens right after.People suggesting i get a job “before its too late”, people asking me if i am okay not having a job, people indirectly comparing me to 21 year olds that already have jobs (…mind you, i am just 23!) and the list goes on.Rummaging through all these conversations, i don’t remember any one person being happy for this one moment that may help me understand myself a little bit better.Instead, all i feel is their worry and doubt for me ,engulf me .

In the beginning, this resulted in dominating fear and self doubt.I started wishing i had a job and was actually considering just getting the easier jobs that would come to me.I thought having this would ultimately end all the questions , the suggestions and the comparisons .But as i looked around and heard other conversations, everybody seemed to be in a limbo of their own.The ‘in between’ having a job and marriage, the ‘in between’ newly married and having children, the ‘in between’ having a job and retirement, the ‘in between’ life and death,the ‘in between’ knowing and not knowing and so on.

Seeing this limbo as just an in between and a void i will cross as others have, i don’t quite as much feel this constant fear of being stuck here and being without meaning.Instead, i see the void as having untold meaning. That it holds within it what we may decide for it to give birth to.

This is enough for me to find comfort and confidence in an void that seems to be depicted as empty and meaningless .I am beginning to see the opportunity it presents as an enabler of life .And this doesn’t sound too bad.

My limbo has become my good kind of lost and i welcome it and its many forms in times to come.